It's been a while...

It has been over a year since I have posted anything and lately I have been thinking a lot about things. I had a beautiful baby girl on March 7th of this year. She will be 7 weeks old in a few days! It has been so amazingly wonderful and so INCREDIBLY hard. Everyone said... going from one to two is so difficult and the first few weeks were really easy. She slept a lot, took well to breast feeding and overall has been a much easier baby than Kaleb was. 
    Around week two however, things started to get rough. Kaleb started testing anything and everything. Constant fits, back to the 2-3 hour bedtime struggles. My 7 years of college and graduate school have NOTHING on this raising kids! Now don't get me wrong, I love being a mom and I am incredibly thankful for my Babies but man it's hard. I think that us, as moms don't talk about it enough. When people ask you how you are doing they don't want to hear that your lucky if you can shower, or that you are covered in spit up, or poop or some other unknown bodily fluid. They want a simple, end the conversation answer. " We're good! "
    One thing that I have been thinking a lot about in this last 7 weeks of chaos is my parenting. Kids have a way of highlighting the parts of your life you aren't good at and need to work on, and maybe that is why it is so frustrating sometimes. They make us feel inadequate. Not on purpose of course but the fact is once you have one thing nailed down they change it up on you. Or maybe, you can't for the life of you figure out how to solve a problem like getting your almost 3 year old to not fight bedtime EVERY night, yep that's me there. We are constantly having to switch up our game and be better. As a parent you are never done. Never done learning, growing, and changing.
    I'm not really sure where I am going with this post, I guess just wanted to get it off my chance. Maybe someone who is discouraged will read it and know that they are not the only ones who are struggling.

You are special

   The other day I was reading the book " You are Special" by Max Lucado
(my new favorite book) and I was struck by the simplicity and yet complexity of the book. The book starts off my talking about these Wemmicks who are all different. It goes on to explain that the Wemmick start giving stars to the people that are talented and pretty and dots to the people that are not. The ones who had dots got more dots just for having dots. Well one day the main character sees a girl with no dots or stars and asks her why she doesn't have any. She says that she doesn't have any because she visited the woodcarver.So the boy decides to go see Eli ( the woodcarver) This is what he says:
 Eli picked him up and set him on his bench. "Looks like you have been given some bad marks," said the maker.
 " I didn't mean to, Eli. I tried really hard."
 " Punchinello, I don't care what other Wemmicks think."
 "you don't "
 " No, you shouldn't either, what they think doesn't matter . All that matters is what I think. And I think you are pretty special." Eli then goes on to say " The stickers only stick if they matter to you. The more you trust my love, the less you care about their stickers." "For now, come and see me every day and let me remind you how much I care."
 At the end of the book Eli says " You are special because I made you, and I don't make mistakes."
   This book really spoke to me, because in a society where we are taught from a very young age to care what others think. To dress because it looks good, to have a nice house to others will look fondly upon us, to drive nice cars. And to really be completely unsatisfied with all of it and want more. What are we striving for? We are striving for dots and stars from others when it all doesn't even matter. God calls us to only care about what he thinks. He gently reminds us to spend time with him daily, reading the bible and praying, basking in his Glory so that he can remind us how much we matter, and how much he loves us. He created us to live on this earth not to live in the riches of the world but to bring Glory to his name. He doesn't care if we have a Gucci bag or if we have grow out from a dye job. If we are so caught up in the day to day competition and want, where is their room for Christ?
   I often read this book, not because Kaleb likes it but because it is such a great, but simple reminder of where our focus should be as his sons and daughters.

Trust yourself

             I just read this wonderful blog from this mother about expectations on motherhood. What an eye opener and relief at the same time. I will post a link at the bottom. But it got me thinking, as they often do, about our expectations of ourselves. We think before we have kids that having them is going to be so easy and that we won't do this or that and we will know exactly what we are doing. That our child isn't " normal" if they don't sleep through the night (and mine still doesn't at 18 mo) or they are below the growth charts... the list could go on and on. We are constantly comparing our children to others, which in turn always makes us feel inadequate and that we aren't doing a good enough job... like we needed help in that department. Then to top it off other moms are always comparing out loud all the things that their kids can do that yours can't, I have been guilty of this as well. I don't think we always know when we are doing this. Anyway... thinking about this really made me reevaluate how I look at things. My Kaleb is his own person, he might not sleep through the night and only weight 19 lbs at 18 mo, and refuse to eat anything healthy but that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with him or that I am doing anything wrong... it just means that Kaleb is Kaleb.
              We live in this society where we buy all these books that tell us how our child should be and what they should be doing and if you don't match up... dun, dun, dun your DOOMED! Not really, but sometimes it feels like that! God gave us instincts for a reason and in a society where the word "instinct" is looked down upon, it is often hard to rely on it much less trust it. What is your heart telling you? Is it telling you that its time to take the Binky away? To let them cry it out? To not feed them dairy? Who cares what other people think! This is your baby, you do what feels right to you not what is normal, because when it really comes down to it, what is normal anyway? There is no such thing. It is societies perception, often misguided on who they think we should be.
  So with that said... I will leave on this last little note.Trust yourself!
Here's that link! Great article!
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.conscienceparenting.com%2F2011%2F12%2F29%2Fthe-inconvenience-of-having-children%2F&h=gAQHH8V0oAQFPT1kxJoAK7R2bDoHNTEucpCiam8gZwSgQ1w

What are you worth?

   This last week I went to a women's bible study at church called Hearts at Home. It is so amazing!. The message was about how much God loves us. How no matter what we are going through, dealing with or how low we get his love for us is unmeasurable. It got me thinking.... and I am just being honest here... but I feel like when people look at me they only see this overweight girl and that that trumps all my talents and personality. When they see me with Kaleb they see this beautiful, vivacious little boy and then wonder how he could of come from me. I am not trying to fish for compliments here, this is honestly what I think. I know it is unreasonable and most likely not true because I don't feel this way about any of my overweight friends, yet this is still how my mind works. Anyway the message really resonated with me that it doesn't matter what I look like, or what I do. God loves me, he loves me more than can be measured.

My worth is not measured by my worldly appearance, how much money I have, how well I dress and how great I do at work. My WORTH isn't measured... I am worthy because I am Gods daughter. He made me who I am with the gifts and talents I have to be used the way that I am using them. I don't need a reason to feel worthy. I shouldn't have to prove that to anyone because just being me makes me worthy.  We live in this society where we are all trying to one up each other and we are all never good enough. This is a LIE that the enemy keeps feeding us so that we continue to sin, when all we really need to do is turn to Christ and look at example after example of his unconditional love for us.

This concept is obviously a tough one to follow and I will be working on it for quite sometime. Instead of turning outwards away from Christ when I feel bad about myself, or how much money I have or how fat I am today, I need to turn to to him, let him hold me and love on me.

Psalms 139.14
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.

Blessing not a curse

Ok so I am still struggling with staying at home. I really like to be productive and out doing things and I love working, so this season has been a challenge for me for sure. This month has been really slow in terms of subbing so I am only working about 15-20 hrs a week at the restaurant and mostly nights so I am home ALL day! I started thinking, instead of worrying about finances and whether or not I am going to work that day I need to be thinking how lucky I am. Do you know how many moms would kill to be able to stay at home with their kids? MANY! Too many to count and here I am complaining that I don't have work! What is wrong with me. So instead of thinking of staying home as a "curse" (and don't get my wrong, I love my son it is just hard for be to be home all day), .I am going to think of it as a blessing that God is giving me the desires of my heart even though I may not know it, and that he will work all the financial stuff out.
 Always a learning opportunity
Emily

Lessons Learned.....

    This month has been a challenging one for me. I had a job experience that was very challenging emotionally. Back in April I applied for a job and got through three rounds of interviews and then for whatever reason didn't get the job. My ego was pretty bruised and I was really frustrated. Why would god let that happen? Well obviously he had a different plan in store! A few weeks ago another position at the same school opened up. After subbing in the class for a day there was no way that I even wanted to apply for the position but I soon realized that I was letting fear hold me back, so I applied. I got through two interviews this time and for whatever the reason didn't get the position. It was between me and two others and the person they offered it to didn't accept, the second person lived too far away and they didn't even consider my as their third option. Instead they re posted the position and redid the interview process. During this whole process I was praying for God to give me an open heart and to accept whatever decision was made, and actually when I found out that I didn't get the job my ego was bruised but I felt good about it. For whatever reason I did not get this job. This whole process was a big learning curve for me. I learned to do something that was very uncomfortable even though I was afraid of failure, I learned to Trust that God has a bigger plan and I learned to have more confidence in myself.
  This situation for me, was one of the many that God continues to show me about myself through him. He also continues to show his grace and mercy for me. I was humbled by this experience and this experience just reiterated to me that I need to be doing what I am doing until God shows me that I am not. Such a hard thing to do when you are a planner like me, but I am learning and slowly letting go of the reins each time and handing them over to God.
I am reminded of this verse :

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

Not to worry

" Don't worry" people say. Everything will be alright. But to anyone who knows me (and yes I just started that sentence with a conjunction), worrying is my forte! If I didn't worry about things who would? Really though this is just a huge weakness of mine. So I was driving down highway 51 today thinking about how I wish I could win a million dollars, if I could just win blank amount of money then I would be able to stop worrying. Here's the problem, I don't play the lottery or enter any sweepstakes so really I am just wishing that someone would come hand me a check ha ha ha . Wishful thinking! Anyway, as I was thinking about this a lightbulb came on and I started thinking about how we are not supposed to think like that. God created us, thus he promised that he would take care of us. It is his responsibility to take care of us and he asks us to cast our burdens on him. That includes financial, spiritual, relational and yes even trying to stay away from that second piece of cake.
   Me worrying about how we are going to pay for this or that is kind of like telling God that he isn't doing his job. Kind of insulting! So as I am writing this I am  praying for guidance and for trust for the funds that we need. And also, ( yes another conjunction) that I let God have the reins instead of trying to take them myself.