What are you worth?

   This last week I went to a women's bible study at church called Hearts at Home. It is so amazing!. The message was about how much God loves us. How no matter what we are going through, dealing with or how low we get his love for us is unmeasurable. It got me thinking.... and I am just being honest here... but I feel like when people look at me they only see this overweight girl and that that trumps all my talents and personality. When they see me with Kaleb they see this beautiful, vivacious little boy and then wonder how he could of come from me. I am not trying to fish for compliments here, this is honestly what I think. I know it is unreasonable and most likely not true because I don't feel this way about any of my overweight friends, yet this is still how my mind works. Anyway the message really resonated with me that it doesn't matter what I look like, or what I do. God loves me, he loves me more than can be measured.

My worth is not measured by my worldly appearance, how much money I have, how well I dress and how great I do at work. My WORTH isn't measured... I am worthy because I am Gods daughter. He made me who I am with the gifts and talents I have to be used the way that I am using them. I don't need a reason to feel worthy. I shouldn't have to prove that to anyone because just being me makes me worthy.  We live in this society where we are all trying to one up each other and we are all never good enough. This is a LIE that the enemy keeps feeding us so that we continue to sin, when all we really need to do is turn to Christ and look at example after example of his unconditional love for us.

This concept is obviously a tough one to follow and I will be working on it for quite sometime. Instead of turning outwards away from Christ when I feel bad about myself, or how much money I have or how fat I am today, I need to turn to to him, let him hold me and love on me.

Psalms 139.14
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.

Blessing not a curse

Ok so I am still struggling with staying at home. I really like to be productive and out doing things and I love working, so this season has been a challenge for me for sure. This month has been really slow in terms of subbing so I am only working about 15-20 hrs a week at the restaurant and mostly nights so I am home ALL day! I started thinking, instead of worrying about finances and whether or not I am going to work that day I need to be thinking how lucky I am. Do you know how many moms would kill to be able to stay at home with their kids? MANY! Too many to count and here I am complaining that I don't have work! What is wrong with me. So instead of thinking of staying home as a "curse" (and don't get my wrong, I love my son it is just hard for be to be home all day), .I am going to think of it as a blessing that God is giving me the desires of my heart even though I may not know it, and that he will work all the financial stuff out.
 Always a learning opportunity
Emily

Lessons Learned.....

    This month has been a challenging one for me. I had a job experience that was very challenging emotionally. Back in April I applied for a job and got through three rounds of interviews and then for whatever reason didn't get the job. My ego was pretty bruised and I was really frustrated. Why would god let that happen? Well obviously he had a different plan in store! A few weeks ago another position at the same school opened up. After subbing in the class for a day there was no way that I even wanted to apply for the position but I soon realized that I was letting fear hold me back, so I applied. I got through two interviews this time and for whatever the reason didn't get the position. It was between me and two others and the person they offered it to didn't accept, the second person lived too far away and they didn't even consider my as their third option. Instead they re posted the position and redid the interview process. During this whole process I was praying for God to give me an open heart and to accept whatever decision was made, and actually when I found out that I didn't get the job my ego was bruised but I felt good about it. For whatever reason I did not get this job. This whole process was a big learning curve for me. I learned to do something that was very uncomfortable even though I was afraid of failure, I learned to Trust that God has a bigger plan and I learned to have more confidence in myself.
  This situation for me, was one of the many that God continues to show me about myself through him. He also continues to show his grace and mercy for me. I was humbled by this experience and this experience just reiterated to me that I need to be doing what I am doing until God shows me that I am not. Such a hard thing to do when you are a planner like me, but I am learning and slowly letting go of the reins each time and handing them over to God.
I am reminded of this verse :

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

Not to worry

" Don't worry" people say. Everything will be alright. But to anyone who knows me (and yes I just started that sentence with a conjunction), worrying is my forte! If I didn't worry about things who would? Really though this is just a huge weakness of mine. So I was driving down highway 51 today thinking about how I wish I could win a million dollars, if I could just win blank amount of money then I would be able to stop worrying. Here's the problem, I don't play the lottery or enter any sweepstakes so really I am just wishing that someone would come hand me a check ha ha ha . Wishful thinking! Anyway, as I was thinking about this a lightbulb came on and I started thinking about how we are not supposed to think like that. God created us, thus he promised that he would take care of us. It is his responsibility to take care of us and he asks us to cast our burdens on him. That includes financial, spiritual, relational and yes even trying to stay away from that second piece of cake.
   Me worrying about how we are going to pay for this or that is kind of like telling God that he isn't doing his job. Kind of insulting! So as I am writing this I am  praying for guidance and for trust for the funds that we need. And also, ( yes another conjunction) that I let God have the reins instead of trying to take them myself.

Revelation....

   So for some reason the other day when I was contemplating eating ten mozzarella cheese sticks... yes ten and I thought to myself... just because I Want it doesn't mean I NEED to eat it. What a revelation! I have really been trying to eat healthy lately and working out and it is working, I am loosing weight. But for me it isn't just about the pounds. It is more of a mindset because well, for forever I have had the mindset that because I want it, it must mean that I need it. What a selfish concept and really how ungrateful!
  I feel like we live in a society where this train of thought is mindlessly drilled into our heads with everything. We MUST have the new iPhone or cutest handbag or the appetizer before our meal because hey why not, everyone else is doing it. Well where has it gotten us? With a nation who is fascinated with gluttony, and not just with food.
   Now I am not writing this to condemn or criticize those who think this way... because hello I am one of the many. This is just a think out loud reminder to myself that God commands me to have SELF CONTROL. Wait isn't that one of the fruits of the spirit? Instead of going to food or the TV or the newest handbag to make me feel loved, valued or just plain better about myself I should be going to God. He reminds us so many times in his word to cast all our cares on him.. I am talking about struggling with not eating that second piece of cake casting. Yep he is talking about that too! It might seem silly but I am really starting to understand the meaning of those words and honestly I feel like it has helped me succeed in this area where I haven't been before. I wish I would of figured it out sooner, but as I heard on the radio today listening to a preacher... "God reveals what you need to know, when you need it." So true!

Tug o' War

     What to do.... this is the question I have asked myself over and over again this last year. Do I go find a full time job where I can get experience and put Kaleb in daycare full time or do I keep working at Red Robin and Substitute teaching part time and get to stay home with my baby.  I feel like because I don't have a "career" that people look down on me and see what I do as important. We live in a society that puts no importance on raising kids and how hard it is. It is always put on the back burning to getting ahead and making more money, in reality at the end of the day though, what is more important? To some people it might be more money and getting to the top of the ladder, but to me, it is my family for sure.
     I HATE not having a plan. I go crazy if I don't have something planned in advance. I know God is helping me grow in this area and I am really learning to rely on him. My sister, via her husband quoted " God created you, thus it is his responsibility to take care of you." Duh! Why haven't I thought of it this way before. Just as I would not leave Kaleb to fend for himself, Christ does not leave me to fend for myself. With that said, it is still a constant struggle.
   So here I am, playing tug o' war with myself every day, trying to figure out what to do. Maybe I should just drop the line and let God deal with it?!!

Year One

   Wow, what a year this has been. My baby boy will be 1 year old next week and I honestly cannot believe that it has gone this fast. Everyone tells you " Just wait till you have kids, time flies" and you don't believe them until you do and here we are a year later and I am wondering where it all went.
   I remember thinking the first few days he was born " How am I going to do this?" and guess what... here I am still thinking that, because with every passing day brings new challenges. OK so we mastered something, but we now have to learn how to do something else. Parenting is the biggest, longest and hardest learning curve you will ever take, and also the most priceless. I am so, so thankful for Kaleb. He has brought immense joy and laughter into our lives, especially with how hard this year has been. I truly believe that children are the greatest gift God could ever give us.
   So as we round this first year out, my heart is filled with happiness and contentment and God fulfilling my biggest wish. I cannot wait to see what the next however many years we have will bring.

Cast ALL your cares apon me!

  I am currently reading this Amazing and life changing book called "Reshaping it All" by Candace Cameron Bure... yep D.J off of Full House. This book is about her weight loss journey and struggle with food but she mostly talks about her relationship with Christ and how that is directly correlated to her success. I feel like I can't get enough information from this book, I keep soaking it up and then going back and rereading passages because all the information is so obvious but for some reason I didn't get it before. It is funny how you can hear something a million times and then one person words it differently and then you have as Oprah would like to say an " ah ha" moment. Well I have just had one of those!
   I am going to say it.. " I am addicted to food!" I think I always have been, and yes it is kind of embarrassing admitting it but I know it is also important for me to do so. I was stick skinny for most of my life and NEVER had to worry about what I was eating until my late teenage years. But I do remember starting very young being obsessed with food. I was nicknamed the "food Police" at our house because I was always concerned about who was eating what and whether would be enough... especially of the naughty stuff. We never had a lack of food in our house so I am not sure where the obsession came from but I think it was probably my way of controlling something in my life.
   As I got older I became focused on what I was going to have for my next meal and "feasting" as a good friend of mine and I called it. We would stuff ourselves silly and at the time it was wonderful, but I was obviously in severe denial.... so fast forward to about 5 years and 80, yes 80 lbs later. I am like " oh, I got fat!" I wonder how that happened?  Fast forward again to another five years down the line. And although I have lost some of the weight, I am still working on loosing more. I am just now coming to the realization that I cannot do this alone.
   I have not been able to figure out for the life of me why all these years of dieting and exercising and weight loss plans I have never been able to take all of it off and keep it off, but I was missing a huge component. God! Hello, why didn't I see this before. This whole book talks about how we can't do it ourselves. That Satan uses every opportunity to make us feel weak and like failures and for me that is my weight. Every time I have given up because it was too hard or because I didn't see the fruits of my labor I let him win. If I give up every time there is a sign of trouble, I am missing out on the promise he gives us. God states that if I cast all my cares upon him, yes even my temptations with Ice cream and oreo's that  he will not let me fall. So here I am casting this huge struggle in my life Lord, I will not give up or let the enemy tell me I am defeated every time I don't loose a pound or make a mistake. You will be there to guide me and pick me up when I fall because I know I will.

C.S. Lewis wrote :A silly idea is current that Good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is... A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would be been like an hour later. This is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in.

You can't always get what you want.... but you got what you need ~ Rolling Stones

    So in spite of the current economic situation I believe my plan next year will once again be working at Red Robin and substitute teaching. These two things aren't necessarily a bad thing at all however not really what I want to be doing. There are a few upsides... I get to spend more time with my baby and we get to put some money away, however with that said it also means I see Kavin a lot less, have a chaotic schedule that is not consistent and am constantly reminded daily of what I want and can't have! Trying at time, for sure.
    I am really trying to trust God with this whole not having a plan thing. I know that he will give me everything I NEED, but I also know this is not always with the everything I want. His timing is perfect, and yes I have to remind myself of this daily.... actually sometimes hourly. I like a plan... I don't like waiting and I hate not knowing what is going to happen so this is a big stretch for me. At the same time as me being afraid of what is coming next I am reminded of how he has provided for me in the past. When Kavin and I started trying to have a baby, it took seven months and I tracked everything, wrote it all down and month after month nothing happened until the day I truly, not half heartedly like all the other months said " ok, God I give it to you!" and that happened to be the month we got pregnant. Because we got pregnant at that time I chose not to look for a full time teaching position with a 10 wk old baby, and in turn have been able to spend this whole year only working part time and watching Kaleb grow. In turn again, I got to spend precious time with my dad as he was dying of cancer which I would not of been able to do if I was working full time. So... once again I am reminded of how he is great and just like he says over and over " I will give you all  the desires of your heart if you trust in me."
   So God, here I am trusting that you will provide what we need, even though it might not be what I want for right now!

Success is in the eye of the beholder

     I have always been a perfectionist by nature... wanting to do the right thing the right way even if that means that I have to do it 100 times which is all nice and good but it gets me into trouble because in a way I can never measure up to myself. I feel like I have to do and be perfect which is rediculous because there is no such thing, and you would think that I would of learned that by now in my 28 years of life, but I am still working on it.
    These last few years have been a difficult journey job wise for me. I got my Masters in teaching but for the life of me cannot find a job. With the economy the way it is now, the possibilities are zilch as it stands so it looks like for the moment I will be working at Red Robin and substitute teaching AGAIN. It isn't that these jobs are horrible it is just not what I want to be doing with my life. HELLO! I spent 7 years in college and I am working at a restaurant to show for it, kind of frustrating. Anyway, after this last bout of promising interviews where I was pretty sure I was going to get a teaching job, and then I didn't, I have started thinking about why do I NEED a teaching job so bad? The more I think about it, the more I realize that I feel like what I do... being a mom, working as a substitute and a server doesn't mean anything to anyone. Its not the picture of success! Success is.... having a career, retirement, benefits and the list could go on and on. A wise woman told me that "There is an art to just being", which got me thinking again. Obviously doing all the things that I am doing now is exactly where I am supposed to be in life, even if it doesn't measure "success" to anyone else. When God wants me to do something different, then he will make that clear, but for the mean time I am sitting right here.
      This concept of success is a thought I am going to have to mull around for a bit, because my perfectionist part of me just wants to do more... the problem with that is that more is never enough because once I have done more i.e. earned my masters or bought a house or had a baby, there is always a "more" to be done. I never measure up! With that said... I am working on it.
     Throughout this whole process in being in a place that I haven't exactly wanted, I have had a wonderful baby boy and gotten to spend so much time with him this first year.  I have been able to spend cherished time with my dad before he passed away. I am SO thankful for those things. This is time  that I will NEVER get back, no matter how "successful" I am!

Birthdays!!!!

     I remember when I was little, well even up until I was probably 18 or so the countdown before my birthday would begin a month or so in advance. There was always a big hype about how exciting it was going to be and what I was going to get, and for those of you who don't know me that well, I'm not gonna lie.... I LOVE presents. You could wrap someone up I already have and give it to me, but there is something so wonderful about the anticipation of getting and giving gifts. It must be my love language. Anyway, as I have gotten older birthdays are still fun and exciting but the anticipation isn't the same. Kind of like Christmas.I still have to go to work, do the laundry and there isn't too much "special" treatment, well because I am an adult now.
    As I am turning 28 today I am looking back on this last year and although it has been an extremely hard one, I am reminded of all the ways that God has provided for and blessed me. I am SO thankful for my wonderful baby boy who makes me so happy. I am so thankful for my friends and family. And am so lucky to have my best friend Kavin by my side experiencing all of this with me. God is truly great!

My Journey

    This year has been an amazing and yet very difficult one for me too. I received my Masters in teaching,I have had a wonderful baby who will be 1 in a matter of months, man that went fast... and I lost my dad to brain cancer in a very painful process. I have also, throughout this year been learning so much about myself. I have FINALLY decided to dive right in to my weight issues and tackle them head on. I know that this time I WILL loose the weight and keep it off. I am making a lifestyle change not just a diet and for me it is so much more than pounds although I do have a goal in mind. But, more importantly I want to be happy with who I am and healthy.
   I think having Kaleb was a catalyst for me because although I did have drugs while giving birth I realized how mentally and physically strong my body was. If I can do that, I can do anything and so my thought process on a lot of things changed. I am starting to realize how strong of a person I am and am learning new things about myself through this process. This isn't just me alone realizing these things. I know that God has opened many doors for me and revealed himself through situations that have happened throughout this last year.
   God's ongoing message that has been drilled into my head over and over and over again is that I will take care of you. To trust in him with everything I need and he will provide it. Maybe not in the time frame that I wanted but I have never gone without. I know that through the process of my dad dying I have learning a lot of about Christ, honestly probably more than the last 27 years of my life. It is amazing to me how God reveals himself that way. He truly takes awful things that happen and makes them good. I am starting to become ok with the fact that I am not in control and me worrying about what ever it is, is not going to change it. This is a BIG deal for a control freak like me.
  Anyway kind of random thoughts all summed up into one, but I am just reminded on a daily basis of how extremely blessed and taken care of I am and for that I am thankful!

If you think your a failure... think again!

  So I have only been a mom for about 9 months so I don't have much experience but I know this, that I worry all the time about if I am damaging my boy and if he is going to remember this and if I am doing the wrong thing and if I am a failure. It is truly not hard to feel like one as a parent because we will never be as good of one as we have hoped, and that is the truth. One day our kids will look back and say " I wish mom and dad would of done this or that." It is going to happen, which totally sucks! Anyway I was reading this book and this passage struck me, I think it is so true and it gave me some peace of mind. We as women don't share enough of our struggles with each-other. It is like our struggles are secrets and if we share them we are going to be shamed, when in fact that opposite is true because in sharing we would realize that we have all been there.
     " Real mothers know it is OK to eat cold pizza for breakfast. Read mothers admit that it is easier to fail at their job then succeed. If parenting is a box of raisin bran than real mothers know that the ratio of flakes to fun is severely imbalanced. For every moment that your child confides in you, or tells you that he loves you, or does something unprompted to protect his brother that you happen to witness, there are many more moments of chaos, error and self doubt.
       Real mothers may not speak heresy  but they sometimes wish they had chosen something for breakfast other than thin endless cereal. Real mothers worry that other mothers will find the magic ring in the box while they will be looking for ages.Well, Rest easy real mothers because the very fact that you worry about these things already shows that you are a good mother." - Jodi Piccoult

One day at a time....

    I have been wanting to start a blog for sometime now, one because I hate actually writing and two I need to get my thoughts out there... even if no one reads them.
   Two weeks ago my dad passed away from brain cancer. We all knew it was coming and in some ways we had time to prepare ourselves for what was to come, but can you ever really prepare yourself for someone to die? NO! I am so thankful that  my dad got to meet my son and we were lucky enough to be able to spend time with him in his last days and truly what a blessing that was but at the same time having to watch someone you love suffer continuously is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. Every moment of it is painful and frustrating.
   Now that he is gone there are days where I feel fine, like my life is getting back to normal and then I read something or my son starts laughing and it breaks my heart that my dad will never get to see those things, or maybe he does. I hope to believe that he is watching from where he is and even though he isn't here in his body that he gets to be there with us when our babies turn one, when my brothers get married and when our kids graduate... all the things that dads and Grandpa's should be there for.
    I have never felt angry with God... angry at the situation and how unfair it is for sure but God did not cause this. I do wonder and have a hard time understanding why he let it happen... why him? We will never know that, maybe Jesus missed my dad and needed him up there more than we needed him here. I do know this though, that one day I will get to see him again, and that hope always brings tears to my eyes.